never want to say it's love
by McMuffin
Summary: She's been at your apartment for nineteen days. Nineteen days of clothes ripping, teeth clashing and pointless discussion to avoid the reason for her distress. Mark/Teddy, mentions of Mark/Lexie, Teddy/Henry and Callie/Arizona.
1. never want to say it's love

Written for the first ga_fanfic comment fic-a-thon at LJ for onlywordsnow's prompt "Mark/Teddy: maybe tomorrow, i'll find my way home." Future/alt fic that I would love to happen. :)

* * *

She's been at your apartment for nineteen days. Nineteen days of clothes ripping, teeth clashing and pointless discussion to avoid the reason for her distress.

You're not sure why she chose you but it's likely because you share an opinion about the best way to go about being depressed. Days are spent in limbo between the various rooms of the apartment and between the various stages of undressing.

Work is not something either of you have the energy to care about at the moment, but you put smiles on your faces and force your way through the days waiting to leave for a place that's not a home and not nearly anything to look forward to. But you look forward to the rush, the thrill, the glasses clinking and the bodies tingling as you try to ignore your sorrows and lose yourselves in each other.

Callie and Arizona come over daily to restrict your alcohol consumption and to make sure you're still alive. They make small talk and your - you don't know what to label her, maybe she can't be labeled - is incredibly good at appearing to be repairing herself. You, on the other hand, have always been a pretty terrible liar when you don't have any motivation and though you're been much less destroyed than Teddy is and you know you shouldn't even be living in this chasm of despair you still wallow to your best friend. You're trying to get over Lexie Grey, who, you realise, you should have gotten over a long time ago. Teddy's trying to get over the husband she fell in love with before they had any real time together.

You get home from work and she's unzipping things before you've shut the door. She bites down on your lower lip and you move to grasp her wrists, fighting the temptation she's giving because you've decided you need to mend. A coy smile is dancing on her face as she wonders what you're up to; but you're not prepared for the glare that follows when she finally understands what you're hinting at when you speak.

"We can't keep doing this, Teddy," you mutter, straining not to turn your eyes downcast. This is destructive and unhealthy and you're not going to allow yourself to hide in the shadows from truth any longer. You care about her more than you can admit, however; you do understand that you can't fuck her over again, can't bear to. You push her backwards so you can put some distance between your bodies and she tears her arms from your grip, hissing, "Fuck you, Mark Sloan," and storms into the bedroom.

You'd like to grab a beer and sit on the couch but you'd be hypocritical if you then thought her drinking to be dangerous. Your thoughts turn to the future. It's not long until Callie's due and you know this isn't the way to be a father. Arizona sympathizes simply because you're in this with her best friend and Callie's told you her girlfriend has hope that you are strong enough to fix Teddy. You hope that you are, because the woman who is usually so much stronger than this has been pushed past breaking point and you don't know how you can bring her back. All you know is that you can't stop dreaming of a little blonde child running around after an older dark haired sibling while the four parents watch from a park bench.

"Teddy," you whisper as you turn the handle and discover her curled up on the bed asleep, an empty bottle of rum in the hand that hangs over the edge of the bed, a puddle on the floor. You strip down to your boxers and grab a t-shirt discarded on the floor before prising the bottle from her hand and trying to reposition her under the covers while not getting kicked. She can be a rough sleeper when she's troubled, you have the bruises to prove it. You slip under the covers next to her and you've barely closed your eyes when there's a violent sob and Teddy's awake and burying into you.

You wrap your arms around her, holding her close, giving her what she needs. You don't know the story of Teddy and Henry so you don't know what to say, but you find people tend to believe your actions over your words so you press a kiss to her temple and try to calm her down. Your heart thumps in your chest. Achingly.

It's killing you to see her like this, but you wouldn't want anyone else to.

She finally slows in her crying and looks up at you, her eyes burning. You stare back at her, her face a gray haze in the dark room. Your fingers graze her cheek, your breath warms her neck. She exhales the breath she was holding back and murmurs,

"I don't know how to exist anymore."

And you reply with the words that soothe her heart and tame her mind. You give her hope.

* * *

To be continued.


	2. we just wanna be whole

Yes, I am attempting chaptered fic. I can't guarantee scheduled updates, but there will be updates. :)

* * *

You don't know if Henry had a funeral; you know he got cremated after his autopsy but aside from that you know nothing more. Teddy's not said a word about him but she's not pulling any fake 'I'm fine' crap on you anymore. She's moping but you've got her watching cartoons every morning before you trudge off to work. It seems the chief's finally gotten word of how crappy you two have been lately as he pulled you into his office to have a word yesterday. You assured him that you were out of your rut; that it never affected your surgical skills; that Teddy is the one still trying to find her feet on a moving floor and that she's still completely professional.

You tap her on the shoulder as you sidle up to where she's signing charts and stand beside her at the nurses' station. You flash her a smile which she returns because despite the smile not being real, she's never not polite.

"Lunch?" you ask, holding your hand out for the nurse to place a chart in it.

"I have a surgery that won't finish until two at the earliest," she speaks, signing her name off in a signature so long you don't know how she can write it so fast.

"Well, then," you bring your eyes back up to her face from where you were reading the 'Theodora Altman' signed on the line, the name you haven't dared to call her yet. "Fancy a spot of afternoon tea?"

She laughs at your British accent and bumps your shoulder with hers, picking up a new chart from her pile, handing the other one over. "That sounds delightful."

You chuckle and run your hand over her arm before handing the chart back to the nurse. "Page me when your surgery's over," you tell her with a slight tug on the sleeve of her lab coat and she looks up from her newest chart to gesture without words that she's doing okay and you really don't need to check up on her.

You walk away, knowing that you do.

* * *

Your pager reads 911 and as any doctor does, you sprint from where you were casually flirting with the nurse in radiology to get your patient's results processed faster to where you've been paged - room 2214. You burst in, expecting a coding patient but instead you find Teddy curled up on the bed with Owen trying to soothe her. It's clear he paged you when he gives you a relieved smile and you quietly tell him to go before kneeling down in front of Teddy.

"Teddy... It's me... What's going on?" you murmur, reaching out to brush your palm over her shoulder. There's no response, simply more shaking and ignorance as you ask again and again. It takes some coaxing but you manage to get her sitting up with you kissing her forehead and wiping away her tears as they freefall.

"H-Henry... He left me... Ev-everything in his will..."

You frown, then mask it as quickly as it crosses your face, not wanting to influence her. She notices it though.

"Weird, right?" she laughs bitterly. "I barely even knew him... And he - he's left me everything..."

You know she's downplaying what she and Henry had; it's a protection mechanism. All you do is rub her arm gently and listen as she rambles on and on, providing responses when necessary.

"I... I think I'll give it all to his parents... They... They deserve it more than I do," she mumbles.

"Teddy, this isn't about deserving anything... You deserve so much more than this," you tell her, wanting to kiss her until she's silent but you feel that would be inappropriate.

She pauses for a while, breathing in, out; coming to terms with it.

"Maybe... I don't want to be reminded of my dead husband by seeing his possessions everyday."

* * *

You come home to your apartment (the decision was unanimous and never officially announced that you'd alternate nights at each of your places yet crash at yours if too tired to drive the extra fifteen minutes) and she's painting her nails bubblegum pink. She's sitting at the counter in her underwear, hair curled and makeup applied.

"Uh... What's going on?" you ask, choking back a cough when she spins around towards you and you're blinded by her beauty.

"I have a date," she says with a smile. This time you choke because you thought this was exclusive and you don't want her seeing other men. A peal of laughter escapes her lips and then she elaborates. "With you, silly. Your clothes are on the bed. Go shower and change."

The stunned look on your face fades and you grin. Despite being dumfounded as to her current good mood, you're going to make the most of it. You don't question her when she's happy; you're too afraid to push her back into depression.

Too afraid that she'll leave you.


	3. if i talk real slowly if i try real hard

Thanks for the reviews and messages, I'm glad there are still other people out there who like Mark/Teddy. The title for this chapter comes from the song "For You" by Angus and Julia Stone, it's a gorgeous song.

* * *

She loses her first patient since his death and she's a sobbing mess in your apartment for hours. When you finally get her to tell you what she needs she admits that all she wants is her parents because she hasn't seen them since she moved to Seattle and she doesn't want to die without seeing them again. You tell her she's not dying and that you'll arrange a way for her to see her parents.

Said arrangement ends up being a three and a half days drive because along with her fear of helicopters she has a fear of planes; which you're sure dates back to 9/11 but you don't want to open that can of worms and simply join her on her road trip. You're sure under other circumstances you'd be able to coerce her into flying but that's not likely given her current state.

She's good about not crying during the first day's trip. She listens to your music and you're a little surprised when she knows the lyrics to all of The Clash's songs. You indulge her whimsical desires for fast food whenever you pass a McDonald's and wonder how the hell she manages to stay so skinny. When she has you pressed up against the thin walls of the motel and has been riding you for the past hour you remember how.

It's on the third night that she breaks; complaining that you're not there yet and crying so hard you have to silence her with your mouth although you don't want to. She clings onto you tightly once you've finished and you're lying sated next to her. You mention how you like that her natural darker blonde roots are showing when you kiss the top of her head and somehow that spurs her to mention the taboo late husband. You know her mind must have been elsewhere. She reveals secrets that explain so much and by how tangled up her blood vessels were with his you're no longer surprised by how broken she's been.

* * *

The first thing her father says to you is, "Darn, you've got the horrible New York accent, too." But you decide you like him anyway, he's protective of his daughter and a little suspicious of everything but he's a nice guy and for all his hatred of your accent he likes the Yankees and that makes anyone okay in your books.

"More pie?" Teddy's mother asks you. Wearing an an apron and oven mitts, her mother is everything of the mother you wish you'd had before she died.

"Yes, please," you answer, it's delicious to say the least.

Teddy laughs from beside you. "Mark, you've had three servings already, I think that's polite enough."

"Babe, it's really good," you tell her and then avoid eye contact with her father for the inappropriate name for his daughter. You can't lie that you're a little afraid of him although you could easily take him in a fight.

After dinner, when Teddy and her mom are off in another room of the house, her father comes to give you the talk. You were wondering when it would come; and in front of a roaring fire with her father sitting in his grand armchair while you quiver on the couch seems appropriate. You alternate between which hand goes on top of the other and which way your toes will point as he gives you the run down of what will happen if you hurt his daughter like her husband did by dying or how Owen did by simply being ignorant. You nod your way through this, knowing that you definitely don't plan on hurting her.

"We're clear on this? No hurting my daughter," the older man says firmly.

You nod, speaking for the first time because you were afraid of butting in before. "Absolutely. I don't ever want to hurt Teddy, she's..." A smile spreads across your face, your realise. "I love her."

Her father looks shocked at this, then his face softens. "You're a good man, Mark... Treat her right."

You nod at her dad and he leans back in his armchair, dismissing you. You leave, stunned by your admission and trying to figure out how to actually tell Teddy herself. You love her.

* * *

You slept together last night, just slept, and it's the first time that hasn't felt weird for you. You curled up together, clothed, and let your legs tangle and her head find the spot on your chest under your chin usually reserved for post-coital cuddling. Now that you've acknowledged to yourself that you love her, something inside of you is different. You're not afraid anymore, you _want_ to love her.

"Your parents are still asleep, we should have sex," you murmur with a grin after kissing her awake, your hand falling to her hip, thumb brushing her hipbone.

"Are you crazy? What if they hear?" she hisses, sitting up, pushing your hand away in the process.

You reach out again to grasp her breast, teasing her nipple through the thin material of her tank top. "Shower sex, they won't hear... And you can lock the door to that room unlike this room."

"You can lock the door now? How do you know? I never knew that - don't distract me," she moves your hand from her boob but you're too aroused to let this go now. "We're not having sex."

"Please? I checked," you grin. "Besides, your mom wouldn't care and your dad likes me now, he won't either."

"My dad likes you now?" her eyes narrow and you slide your hand to her thigh under the covers with a smirk.

"I lured him in with sports, it's how to win any guy over," you chuckle. "Come on, Teddy... It'll be fun to have sex in your old room."

"Fine," she huffs at your teasing and you peel back the covers from her body.

"You make the multiple screaming orgasms sound like a chore," you smirk, hovering over her. "Do you want them to stop?"

She rolls her eyes. "Don't make me scream now."


	4. lonely thoughts, they seep into mind

Here's another chapter. I'd like to thank my awesome beta, Aly, who not only corrects my mistakes but is a great sounding board/muse for future plot. I love you, gurrlll.

* * *

lonely thoughts, they seep into mind, into me

* * *

A week later and you're still at her parents with no definite date of departure, but you called the chief and he's not thrilled but he understands. You're currently getting ready to go out to a fancy restaurant her parents insist on taking you to instead of just another home cooked meal. You're not fussed, loving every dish that Mrs. Altman puts in front of you. You're tying your tie as you walk into the bathroom and Teddy's standing there in underwear and heels, applying her makeup. You smirk, slide up behind her and drop a kiss to her bare shoulder, running your hands along her upper arms as she freezes.

"How about a quickie before we go out?" You suggest, sweeping a hand through her blonde locks as she glares at you in the mirror.

"How about you let me finish applying my makeup and we can have sex later?" She suggests and you watch as she blends a little more dark blue into the smoky black eyeliner she's got going.

"You don't wanna?" You mutter, grasping her ass and thrusting your hips forward a little to tease her.

"No, I don't," she snaps the lid on the eyeshadow and turns to face you. "I'd like to look nice for dinner, not disheveled... And I'm still not quite comfortable doing it... here."

"You never did it when you were young, did you?" you ask with raised eyebrows, a smirk adorning your face.

"No," she replies wryly, reaching up to fix your tie. "Not here, anyway."

"How old were you when you lost it?" You ask, always curious about her; she's constantly surprising you no matter how hard you try to learn her. She sashays out of the bathroom and you follow, keeping check on your mouth and your tendency to jaw drop.

"Seventeen," she replies. "But I was almost eighteen!"

You chuckle at this. "Babe, I was fifteen, you can relax." you see her roll her eyes as she steps into the vivid blue dress that hugs her body in all the right places and shows enough cleavage to make you drool while still being appropriate for her parents to see.

"Damn." You wolf whistle and she bites her lip and turns away from you to grab her purse. You laugh at her embarrassment and walk over to kiss her cheek, checking that she has everything she needs before you go downstairs to where her parents are waiting.

* * *

She's been much happier here with her parents, with only a few episodes of crying. She maintains conversations for longer, without drifting off into the memories she's so quick to recall despite how they hurt her.

You enjoy dinner, getting along much better with her parents, and sending smirks at the other guys who look at Teddy's gorgeous looks and then sulk that she's taken when they see you - you're still a bit of a bastard at heart. You rest your arm on the back of her chair, something you'd been glared at for by the older Dr. Altman when you first got there, but he definitely likes you now.

After a week of hanging out with Teddy's father while she and her mom did god knows what, you've come to be something like friends. You hold yourself back when you're around him, making sure to be respectful, but you find when he's talking about sports his tongue is as loose as yours and when you discuss medicine you could go for hours. He's taught you how to play bridge, and you introduced him to the rules of strip poker, and actually got away with suggesting he and Teddy's mom play it. You're sure your girlfriend would hate you for suggesting that, but you like knowing the older guy isn't completely conservative.

"Dessert?" the waiter asks, interrupting the conversation concerning the neighbor's dog who never fails to bark loudly at 4AM and wake everyone up.

Teddy's mom looks at you and her daughter. "None for us, we're going to go home... You young ones can do what you like."

Teddy looks at you, places her hand on your knee. "Do you want dessert? Because they make a great cheesecake."

You chuckle, knowing that's her backwards way of saying that she would like the cheesecake. You look up the waiter and order a slice of cheesecake and two coffees before her parents bid you adieu for the night and head home. The cheesecake is hers but you sneak mouthfuls, and she ends up giving you more than half when she deems herself full. You kiss her cheek and tell her she looks gorgeous for the hundredth time that night. She blushes as always and you hide a smile at how cute she is.

On the walk back to the house Teddy stumbles on a bumpy bit of pavement and you grab her around the waist as she wobbles on her heels. She turns around towards you, her face illuminated by a streetlight.

"Thanks," she smiles.

You wordlessly reply, holding her gaze as you slowly lean in to press your lips against hers softly. You keep your eyes open and you hear her breath hitch in her throat as you pull away and open your mouth to speak. She shakes her head, eyes looking glassy. You don't tell her you love her. Instead you watch as her eyes flicker over your face and she seems to wage an internal battle over what to say.

"Don't," she begins softly. "I... I'm not over Henry, and I don't know what you feel about Lexie now, but... Don't, it's too soon, Mark," she whispers, her hands resting on your biceps.

You nod, sliding your hands inside her coat to rest on her hips. "I understand, Theodora." Her features light up as you use her full name, and you make a mental note to call her that more often. You lean in to kiss her, and as your lips touch you realize that this is the first time Lexie has even crossed your mind since you've been here.

* * *

You're in the middle of watching a film and it's like the kinky switch is flicked on inside her. She not only rides you on the couch, floor and against the fridge when you go to get a glass of water, but when you're both stumbling up the stairs on weak legs she whispers that she wants your cock in her ass. You, of course, oblige, but you spend the whole time wondering what's suddenly made her be like this.

You collapse in each other's arms on her bed; a tangle of sweaty limbs and heaving chests and you press your lips to her temple before she curls into you and dozes off. Your mind wanders to many possible explanations before you too fall asleep, her head over your heart.

Two days later on the first leg of the journey home, Teddy pulls her knees to her chest and amongst groaning about how sore she still is she brings up Callie's very, very soon due date; it's one of the reasons you decided to return to Seattle now.

"What happens when Mighty Oak is born?" She poses, twisting her fingers around the other.

"What do you mean? We have it all sorted; Callie and Arizona will have Mighty Oak," you pause, briefly thinking about your kid's future name, "full time, and I - we - can babysit and take Mighty Oak for a day every now and then."

"I know..." You see her nod out of the corner of your eye. "I just, I mean... Callie and Arizona are Mighty Oak's moms... You're his or her dad and I'm..." she gestures around, "This isn't exactly a stable relationship!"

Your breath gets stuck in your throat as she says that, and you almost resent her for it. "Theodora, I..." You can't bring yourself to finish that sentence, whether out of respect for what she wants or because you don't want to once again be the one more invested in the relationship, you don't know. "This is not some fling, we're both trying to find our feet again... But Arizona is your best friend, and you will be a part of Mighty Oak's life, no matter what... I want you to be."

You glance at her; she turns her head to stare out of the window. You want her to respond; want to know what she's thinking, what she's feeling. She's completely changed now that she knows you love her, and you don't know what any of her actions mean. She's still a puzzle to you, and you both love and hate that you can't figure her out. She used to be honest, but now you find that she locks things away, talks cryptically.

"My fish is probably dead," she mutters finally.


End file.
